Writing. Mothering. Both.
Mothering while writing, or should it be writing while mothering? Or does it matter?
I have been thinking about this a lot, of course. And, I am asked this question a lot too. How does one write as a parent, as a mother? I am a mother all the time, and I am a writer all the time. But it is the co-existence of these two things, these two states of me that I often find disorienting.
In the Atlantic, in 2013, Lauren Sandler wrote that the only way one could be a mother and a ‘successful’ writer is to have only one child. Sandler is the author of two books about having just one child. She writes:
It was only when I was working on a book investigating what it means to have, and to be, an only child that I realised how many of the writers I revere had only children themselves. Alongside Sontag: Joan Didion, Mary McCarthy, Elizabeth Hardwick, Margaret Atwood, Ellen Willis, and more. Someone once asked Alice Walker if women (well, female artists) should have children. She replied, "They should have children—assuming this is of interest to them—but only one." Why? "Because with one you can move," she said. "With more than one you're a sitting duck."
I have three children, with two under five year old. I sometimes wonder if my mothering supports my creativity and vice-versa. I know that I have written more than ever since I had these twins four years ago. I have written hungrily, and ravenously while trying to bring forth all the words and sentences that seem to be bursting with a sense of urgency. But, am I doomed? Will I never be successful? There is always the issue of what ‘successful’ really means. How do we measure ‘success’ as a writer: is it being published? Is it being reviewed, getting prizes, grants? Is it one book, or more? The whole notion of a ‘successful’ writer seems so arbitrary to me.
Zadie Smith was one of the authors who took exception to this article, and wrote: "the idea that motherhood is inherently somehow a threat to creativity is just absurd". And, I cannot agree more. I touched on this aspect of creativity and motherhood in a TEDx talk that I did in 2018 (wow this was almost 3 years ago now! I know it is such a cliché but where did time really go!). Talking of time, Zadie Smith also said in response to that piece that
“real threat to all women's freedom is the issue of time, which is the same problem whether you are a writer, factory worker or nurse".
It is the lack of affordable childcare, it is the recognition that parenting- mothering- is work, and it is a valuable commodity. It is recognising and acknowledging the value of mothering and motherhood to society.
This is something we have felt more acutely than ever through the lockdown. We know that women/mothers face a motherhood penalty and that women carry more emotional and mental load at home. When women become mothers their labour market prospects tend to suffer. They also face a motherhood wage penalty: mothers earn approximately 5 % less per child than other workers, over and above any gender wage penalty.
I will be joining Caitlin Moran, Laura Bates of Everyday Sexism and Joeli Brearley of Pregnant then Screwed for a panel called ‘Motherload’ at the Hay Festival this year. It is virtual so you can join in from anywhere.
Friday 28 May 7-7.50 pm. REGISTER HERE and buy a signed copy from festival bookshop.
OTHER EVENTS I am looking forward to:
The Sebald Lecture 2021: Jhumpa Lahiri In Praise of Echo
So, how do I write?
I make notes, lots of notes in my phone, send emails to myself with links and random thoughts through the day even when I am doing other things with my children. These things always add up, and so when I get back to my desk, there are always things waiting for me to look at.
I often use 5-10 min bursts to write short sections, or even to just research things, or to do admin things, those niggly things that I am always avoiding. I don’t set daily or weekly word goals but every ten, twenty, fifty words add up.
I do almost 3-4 talks every week for various global organisations and other consultancy work so writing has to also fit around it. Often these things are good for me, personally, and spur me on to write.
Sometimes when I am feeling stuck or uninspired, I write something completely different. Either a short-form piece or essay that can really break up the flow and disrupt the writing block. Or I even recently wrote a novella which I loved experimenting with. Just for my eyes for now!
I also do not edit really as I go along. My first draft is usually quite messy, but that is just my process. I get everything down before I start reading it again, chopping and changing it.
I am also flexible, and although this might be just my reluctance and inability to follow a schedule (ADHD brain, perhaps), but it is also impossible for me to set up a ‘writing time’. How will I tell my children and myself that their demands do not take priority right now because it is my ‘writing time’? I don’t think I have this luxury.
There are no magic tricks, but recognising when I work best, how I work best has been really helpful. But then there are days when I hardly do any writing. I am too exhausted. But I am also learning to be kinder to myself, and not berate me if I cannot write or do what I really really want to do. It is frustrating but sometimes mulling over things away from my writing can be really helpful too. A writing routine does not work with me, merely because all sorts of plans and routines can go up in the smoke where children are concerned. For instance, I wrote that TEDx talk (linked above) in a week’s time with both my small children really ill, and with hardly any sleep at all. I wrote SWAY mostly between the hours of 10 pm and 3 am. Desperate measures! I wouldn’t recommend it though as it does catch up, both mentally and physically. Especially with long-standing chronic illnesses, I am learning to be kinder to myself and to my body. But maybe this is a discussion for another day, another newsletter.
My brand new 5 yr old just said to me yesterday: ‘it does not matter if we are fast or slow, as long as we get there.’ This is my new mantra, and I am going to get this printed!
RECOMMENDATIONS: some of my favourite books about mothering and writing
SILENCES by Tillie Olsen: I loved this. Absolutely divine. Lots of ‘jottings’ which sounds like the kind of work I can do in between mothering. A mother of four daughters, Olsen also recognised the particular challenges that motherhood posed to writers, who need solitude for their work. It is also relatable when Olsen describes the “brutal impulse” to push her daughter away from her typewriter, and the constant struggle to reconcile her artistic ambitions and her maternal role: “I keep on dividing myself and flow apart, I who want to run in one river and become great.”
A LIFE’S WORK by Rachel Cusk: I think most of you would have read this. It is one book that made me feel very seen when I first read it immediately after my twins were born. Honest, brutal, raw. The dilemmas of losing ourselves in motherhood, and the struggle to find a new version of ourselves even while mourning the loss of a former self.
IN SEARCH OF OUR MOTHER’S GARDENS by Alice Walker: Gosh, this is Alice Walker of course, and every word is a testament to the intersectional lens she projected on the world around her. Reading this book made me think a lot about my own mother, and how she sacrificed herself and her ambitions for her children, her creativity manifesting in the things she made for us and the home, her knitting, her cooking, the way she helped us with our craft and art projects. These creative forms and outputs in the domestic sphere can sometimes be seen as mundane though and there is always the notion that these mothers and grandmothers have wasted their talent.
One final thing. You might have read about the huge crisis unfolding in India, a nation crumbling under the lack of resources, mismanagement, lack of vaccines, an ineffective government. The scale of the tragedy is heart-breaking, and there is a sense of hopelessness and helplessness in the south asian/Indian diaspora, as well as a sense of guilt for having left. You can read Arundhati Roy’s clear-eyed, and devastating piece about this catastrophe here in The Guardian: We are witnessing a crime against humanity: It’s hard to convey the full depth and range of the trauma, the chaos and the indignity that people are being subjected to.
There are lots of ways to help if you would like to. I have a thread on my twitter feed, and in the link in my bio there and on instagram. One thing which many of us, authors, from around the world have done is to participate in an initiative called ‘Artists for India’ started by the author and journalist Sonia Faleiro. You donate, the money is sent to Mission Oxygen which is sending oxygen canisters to Indian hospitals and relief centres, and you are sent a signed copy of one of our books. I have donated copies of Sway, Wish We Knew What To Say, and also of (M)otherhood.
Please see details here:
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If you would like to support me and my writing, why not pre-order my book (M)OTHERHOOD: ON THE CHOICES OF BEING A WOMAN. It is out with Canongate Books on 3 June.